Image by Kowit Phothisan

There are times I remember...

    There are times when I remember… That the sun used to kiss my face. The air used to smell alive, green, and fresh. My eyes used to pick out paintings I could make out of everyday scenes. I’d sit on the porch, and look at the stars… and wonder if anyone anywhere was looking back at me. I remember finding joy in other people’s joys, and lightening their sorrows. My limbs used to relax when I bid them to- I could sleep when I wished. I enjoyed letting my mind wander. Now the sun seems too bright- it stabs at my eyes. The air smells like dust and heat. I don’t see paintings anymore- I just see things, people, buildings. The stars make me sad. Looking at them makes me miss something I can’t even remember. Others’ troubles make me sadder than I would be on my own, and their joys make me jealous. My body is always tense- it never lets up. My mind tends to rest only on the things I try not to think about. I can call back those times, but it didn’t used to be an effort. I didn’t have to try so hard to be happy. When I try now, it usually makes it worse when it goes away. I feel like something is broken, and I worry that it’s all my fault. When I’m not making other people as happy as I used to, I feel so guilty. I have to mentally escape to be able to relax… I want to shake out my hair, and feel the breeze run it’s fingers through it. I want to lay back into water and let go… of everything. I want to lay in the dark and look at the stars, and think deep thoughts. I want to not have to worry about myself. I want other people to not worry about me. I feel like I’m being watched by everyone- monitored. Like people feel the need to “keep an eye” on me. I want life to feel good again. And I feel like it’s my fault that it doesn’t. But hope is such a wonderful thing to feel… It lights up even the darkest times, because some part of you always knows that it can get better. And it’s my love for other people that makes me so sad for them, and want to help them so much. Faith, hope, charity, and love are the things I’m working on. The qualities I want to encourage. Because I’ve felt what it’s like to not have them at all. There was a darkness that sucked me in, and I let it. It hated me, and since I hated me too, it was easy. It wanted me to be miserable, and I felt like I couldn’t help it. It sucked all of my “self” away. I wasn’t me anymore. I just was. And I hated it. But I was called back. I have myself back, and I’m never letting myself go to it again. Never. I have so many people who love me, care for me, and want me to be happy. And a lot of them that I don’t even realize love me. Many of them I can’t see at all, but I feel them when I try. They helped me back, and patted my back while I wept, while I hurt. They still do. They whisper loving things in my ear, and if I listen I can hear. I just need to remember. To remember to listen. To feel. To look for paintings in everyday scenes. To feel the sun kiss me all over my face. To smell the air warm and clear, green and fresh. I need to remember to look at the stars and see the light, not the darkness. To let my mind wander, and enjoy the thoughts I find along the way. To relax. To be happy. To love and be loved. To remember me.
There are times I remember...

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